Annnd...I'm back! - Profound realizations about myself that I've actually always known...

Who knew I'd drop off the writing circuit so quickly?!?!? Well...actually...I did. But, more importantly, who knew I'd jump back on even after a consistent failure to write when I meant to over the past couple months??? Not me! I've decided that I'm far from perfect. Well, I've actually always known this, but the past couple months, I have just gone to great lengths to prove it. :) So here's to another shot! Don't you just love second chances? and third chances? and fourth chances? and so on...

With the Christmas quickly approaching and Thanksgiving now behind, I've been learning some things amidst the craziness. Here are a few tidbits that I hope inspire a thought or two. 

1. I dislike Grace far more than I thought...especially when it comes to myself. I have always thought of myself as a gracious person. However I have realized that what I actually possess can far better be described as necessary mercy. I'm not the person who seeks confrontation for the sake of proving myself big, but I have realized that I am the person who quietly files away wrongs while only allowing the offenders a certain measure of liberty with my heart dependent on their current score of likability. Let me explain. When a friend wrongs me, and I know they feel remorse or would if they knew, I am generally quick to forgive and let go of the offense. But when a person hurts my feelings, even if they are completely oblivious, and doesn't make amends, I tend to store away a "mental note" while deeming them unworthy of my open, true heart. I don't think this is grace. I think this is me being merciful when reconciliation is sought. I believe grace is afforded even when there is no repentance. And this is especially true with myself. For example... On Thanksgiving morning, I overreacted to a probably normal marriage quarrel. In the process of secluding myself in the bathroom, I closed the door, a little to strongly, with my shod foot. As imaginable, my foot left a rather large hole in our bathroom door. I immediately came to my senses and, while sobbing, calmed down and apologized to my laughing and forgiving husband. Now, this would be the end of the story if I was able to allow myself a measure of grace that would let me off the hook. However, every time I see that hole, my heart yearns for a grace I consistently withhold from myself because, in reality, I have made some "mental notes" on myself which deem me unworthy of such grace. I am merciful with myself in that no punishment was awarded, but not gracious because I can't seem to find it in me. 

2. My heart is heavy for my parents. While I can admit messy things about myself, such as a continuous journey to find true ability to show grace,  I am still a joyous person with a loving spirit that lives in peace. I am far from what could even be construed as a perfect mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, or person, but I know that I am on a journey. I know that ultimately I am loved, chosen, accepted, not condemned. I believe that what troubles my spirit most about the wide chasm of hostility between my parents and I is that I know that I am, deep in my innermost soul, ok. I don't believe that they are. In fact, I am deeply aware that they live in a world where no journey is recognized. Only right an wrong, black and white, us and them. That leaves no room for grace, mercy, true love, coexistence or any sort of mutual understanding. I don't really know why things are as they are for them, but my heart continues to be heavy for them. While I don't necessarily yearn for restoration of our relationship as parent and child, I do wish that they could find true freedom for the sake of their own deep inner joy. I don't know if I am to play any part in their freedom discoveries, and I live in constant fear that we'll never speak again. But I do know that I have made peace with my role as quiet observer and prayer warrior. I am to love them from afar. Let go of grudges. And learn to show true grace.

3. I love, love, love being a mom. I grew up in a household where children were thought of as an inconvenience and were liked best when they made themselves invisible. We didn't share family meals, and I remember constantly being referred to in negative terms such as "a two year old" or a "teenage girl"...as if I could help it. I don't remember ever being bragged on or feeling like I was the apple of my daddy's eye. I don't think my parents ever went through an empty nest syndrome, and I wasn't taught the value of being a daughter. Welp...I've realized that this has dramatically spilled over into my role as a mom to my two beautiful, miraculous, sweet babies. And I refuse to let my past shape who I am as a mom. I am choosing to delight in them. To love them unconditionally. To uplift them at every moment. To turn their hearts toward heaven as our awe-inspiring children. I know I'll be far from perfect, and I pray daily that God takes my miniscule efforts and turns them into stones to build his Kingdom. And I choose to believe that my children are a blessing. A gift. Will I ever be inconvenienced? Daily. But I chose my reaction. And I feel power in my life knowing I am in control of my reactions even when my circumstances are far from controllable. 

Until next time...