Fear and Arbonne

I have a terrible inner conflict... I am both a huge socialite and people pleaser. These may seem like compatible character traits, but, for me, they tend to cause me anxiety. Here's what I mean...

The socialite side of me wants to be involved in EVERYTHING...or at least invited to be a part of everything. I am serious. I would pack out my calendar with people anytime. I love being around people. I love hosting. I love going to others homes. I love going out with friends. I love being around (most of) my family.  I seriously just love socialization. Although this has taken on different outlets over the years, especially with life transitions such as marriage and having children, I have always love just being present and involved. 


The people pleaser side of me wants everyone to like me and invite the socialite side of me to every get together. The conundrum comes when I don't get invited to things...


When this happens, the socialite side of me is saddened and the people pleaser side of me goes into panic mode. I automatically and simultaneously get nervous, hurt, a little mad, and a whole lot anxious. I get nervous that someone is mad at me and that's why I didn't get invited and I get anxious in terms of trying to justify the situation and compensate for the void I automatically feel. 

And the biggest culprit for bringing these emotions up...Facebook.


This sounds crazy, but bare with me...I promise I'm getting to a point. 


Just recently have I realized all of this about myself. I, like you, thought I was nuts and needed immediate counseling. And then a total God thing happened. I was in the car with my sister, someone whom I have been eagerly trying to have a deeper relationship with, and we randomly got on the subject of unjustified feelings of "being left out". We both admitted that we have the feelings, as described above, of jealousy and tension anytime we're not included, for whatever reason. After discussing this briefly, we both conceded that, most of the time, these feeling are unjustified and the lies we tell ourselves about peoples' motives are usually untrue. What a crazy conversation! And just what I needed. :)


What I've learned from all of this is this... We are not alone in the realms of our crazy mixed-up minds. We are often actually quite "normal". That is a HUGE comfort to me. Just when I thought I was for sure nuts, I realized that I am broken, yes, but I am also a child of God with a true heart. The truth is, we all have issues. Most of us are far from figuring it out. But isn't it great that I can be broken alongside others? 


Now...you may be asking yourself...what does this have to do with Arbonne? Well, I recently started selling Arbonne as a business. This brought with it a lot of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being "that person" that people avoid because they think of you as a sales person. 


Although I am still a bit fearful of these things, realizing that much of this is stemming from my people-pleasing/socialite conflict helps me remain collected. I know that people will remain friends, not clients. And I know that when I'm not invited to something, my feelings are normal, but that the truth is that I am loved, even when not included. 


I have also realized that, just as I sometimes get overwhelmed with planning an event and not being able to invite everyone, others in my life can't invite everyone either. I have realized that I am often unfair in holding others to a higher expectation than I hold myself to.


I know that I am better than these failing though. And that is why I push on. I know I am loved. I know I will be good at Arbonne. I will battle the self-doubt that plagues us all. And, most days, I will win. :)

Mixed feelings...

This morning I learned about the shooting last night in CO. Some guy went into a movie theater and detonated a bomb while shooting a ton of people. So far, reports have confirmed 12 dead and 59 injured.

When I logged onto Facebook today, I noticed that there was a myriad of mixed sentiments amongst my friends on the issue. Most people expressed feelings of sadness and disbelief. However, there is a surprising number of my friends who have said that the news networks are over analyzing and making too big a deal of it. One friend said that we, as Americans, thrive on violence incited by fear and that the extensive coverage would only lead to more fear and thus, more violence.

Although I fully understand the feeling of being overwhelmed with information in this tech savvy era, I disagree with the urge to suppress the need of the public to understand such a tragedy. I think that these kinds of tragedies are unexplainable and incomprehensible. However, I think people have a sincere need to search for meaning. I believe that the ultimate root of this tragedy lies in human sin. But I don't think that belief makes it any more bearable. If God is real, why does he allow free will? That guy had free will and he exercised it by killing innocent people. How does that make sense? It doesn't. But I think as humans we have a need to explore these questions. And I think that when we stop asking and seeking we become numb. I don't want to become numb.


I also believe the media coverage is necessary for the families. This tragedy was senseless, but that doesn't make their pain any less severe. How awful would it be to be a parent to one of those kids and be told, "Yeah, that sucks. Your child died. But we can't tell the world about it because some people feel too burdened by having to see the reports. Even if it honors your loved one." I think that would outrage people, but I believe it would also create an alienated group of people. I don't think that weeping side by side, even if spread across the country, with those families gives the killer glory, I think it draws us closer together as humanity.


My heart goes out to the families who lost loved ones last night. It breaks for our world as a whole where this kind of thing happens. My prayer is that those in pain would run to our great Savior for comfort and not be blinded by anger.

I choose

I choose to submit to my husband. And guess what? It makes me a better wife and makes our marriage better for it.

Something my mom said to me, in the midst of our recent heated uproar, has been bothering me. When Rob told her that we need to all calm down until we could talk things out rationally, she replied, "Heather is your wife, not your b*tch." She didn't use the * though. 

This has really been bothering me and I couldn't peg why. Until today, when I was thinking about it yet again. I really don't care what she thinks, but it did annoy me that she thought Rob had no right to jump in. When he did, his heart was to protect me and my heart. I realize now that she misunderstands the beauty of having a husband who would die for you. I'm not sure she has that, and I think she forgets that, when I submit to Rob and allow him to put himself on the line for me, not only does it always grow us closer, it gives us greater strength as one. 

My mom has a choice in the way she reacts to things. I have been saying that all along. She blames me and some ill conceived notion that I hate her for all of this. But I disagree. I am far from blameless, but our separation is a direct result of her choices. I chose to follow Rob. Had I jumped in and said "I can take care of myself!", not only would it have made us fight and given my mom the drama she was looking for, but it would have crushed Rob. I would have been disrespecting him, publicly, and he would have reacted unlovingly, which would have hurt me and put us on a "crazy cycle" and downward spiral. (Love and Respect, Dr. Emmerichs) 

I choose to follow Rob. That doesn't mean he walks all over me. It doesn't mean I get drowned out in any decision. It means I make a choice to allow him to lead our family as God designed him to do. My choice in this gives him the respect he needs to be validated as a man, and in return, he loves me better. 

We all have to make choices in this life. So often we are so quick to blame our actions on some circumstance we couldn't control. But I feel SO, SO strongly that, if we could only chose to do right despite our circumstances, our circumstances would lose the negative power they so often hold over us. With this line of thought, my mom is right. I am Rob's wife. I chose to marry him, and I choose to allow him to lead me. It's a freeing thing really. Not a bonding thing. May God continue to give me enough grace to continue to follow.   

I did it! On many accounts...

Successfully got up this morning and went to the gym. Ran 3.30 miles. AND I did it at 6am. Whew! I am sore and tired already at 9am, but I feel great because I accomplished something that was simply a matter of willpower. 

I also emailed a ministry (a few days ago) that I want to work with for my book. I heard back already, and the woman that I would like to write with is excited and willing to help! That was a HUGE step for me as it makes this whole book ordeal real. I was nervous to put out there the first threads of commitment. Both the commitment to write the book and the commitment to be what I want to be as a wife and mother. My heart yearns for God's will to be perfected in my life, but I am afraid of failure. Like whoa. 

I also "did it!" on a more personal heart issue. I really struggle with loving people for who they are sometimes. I project on them the ways in which I think they should change to become more "well rounded." It's not that I judge necessarily, I just try to "improve" people. I have learned though, that what I consider "improvement" isn't necessarily what is good and right for that person. I have really been pushing myself to better accept people for who they were created to be. And I feel like I have done really well with this lately in a couple key relationships in my life. I am so, so thankful and humbled by God's hand in allowing me to grow in this way. 

Despite the achievements in my life though, I am still struggling with the failure and brokenness of relationship in terms of my parents and I. I am so, so wounded. There is no sense in denying that. However, I know that there is purpose in staying my ground. I know that breaking ties is the best decision for Rob, the kids and I right now. But my heart aches for reconciliation. I am torn. Conflicted. And jaded. 

I am learning that sometimes even the most beautiful of days has a cloud or two. I need to enjoy the light while accepting the blemishes that I cannot change. 

I dislike tummy time very much

I was doing tummy time with Gideon today when I began to ask myself, "Why do I do this to him?" I mean, you have to understand, my kids both scream like CRAZY during tummy time. Well, Bella did and Gideon does. It stinks. It gives me a headache, it makes them fussy, and it seems to take forever for even just 5 minutes to pass. 

However, I quickly answered my own question with, "Because it's good for him, just as it was with Bella." Ugh. I guess it's just an example of a rough introduction to the reality of life that sometimes we have to do things that are not so much fun in order to learn and grow in ways that benefit us.

This is so true of so much. I think back to marriage counseling, moving from Boston to TN, separating from my parents many times and many ways, apologizing to friends, trusting Christians...all things that have been hard at the time, but proven exponentially beneficial in different ways. I have found that when I stop resisting these kinds of things, and embrace them, I actually don't mind the growth process so much. But when I resist with a hardened heart, I still grow, but in a much different way. 

Another, less profound, thing in my life right now that relates to this is trying to be disciplined in going to the gym. Less than half of my wardrobe fits me right now. But I definitely do NOT have the extra money to get new clothes. However, I do pay for a gym membership. So if I could simply discipline myself to use that and go to the gym, then my clothes would inevitably fit again. So why, when my alarm goes off at 6am, do I hit the snooze??? Sighhhh. I am going to get better though...you just wait! Well, I'm at least going to try. And then I am going to give myself some grace and keep wearing the same few things that I can get over my butt while I remember that most of my friends in Uganda only have two outfits...one they wash while they are wearing the other. :/

What an amazing weekend...

Ahhh. What a wonderful and relaxing weekend. We spent time with each other, with our friends, and with our extended family. Loved it! We got outside a bit and took in some fresh air. I accomplished much and stressed little. :) We feel so, SO blessed. It's nice to just take in the smell of the roses. Life can be rough sometimes. It's nice to acknowledge the little blessings in it though. And this weekend was a blessing for us. 

Bella was enjoying her pool and the leaves on the back porch yesterday, when I snapped this cute shot. Thought I would share. :)

My heart skipped a beat...

My heart skipped a beat, or two, today when my doorbell rang. This never happens during the day, and I was afraid of who was behind it. Here's the scoop...

There is a rumor floating around that my mom and dad are in town. I thought it was them. Turns out, it was just some canvassers from KnoLogy trying to sign people up for TV and internet services. Now, some of you may be asking why I would mind if it was my mom and dad. Well, as it turns out, they have disowned me...again. There is a really long story behind this. One way to long for a blog post. But the details of the story don't really matter anyway. All that ultimately matters is that our relationship is broken, and so with it, my heart is broken.

My parents are far from the worst in the world, but they do have more issues than the best parents in the world. They raised me with plenty of food, clothing and shelter. But they missed a lot when it came to love and grace. This pattern carried into adulthood, and now we are estranged. The thing that gets me most about this is that I don't understand it. I am far from perfect, we all are. But they bring hatred, hostility, and turmoil to pretty much any relationship in their lives...and I don't know why, nor do I know how to fix it.

Although we have had periods of separation before in life, this one has become more permanent, and I don't see any possibility of reconciliation on the horizon. It's like I am mourning a loss similar to what I imagine losing parents in a car crash would be. Sudden. Tragic. Unexplainable. Heartbreaking.

Why is it that this theme of broken families is so common in our world though? Mine is far from singular. I have hear similar stories from almost all of my friends. The relational ties of earthly, blood-related families suffer the worst kind of destruction than most other relationships I can think of. I don't have any profound thoughts on the matter though. I just wanted to put it out there that I am heartbroken, and I know I am not alone. The family unit is the most basic building block of society. Yet, especially in America, it is also the unit that is all too easily broken, battered and put aside. How sad. :(

What I wouldn't give to fix those things that are essentially irreplaceable... And what I won't do to protect the relationships between me and my children and my spouse...

Why is it so, so difficult to discipline?

If I know that discipline will ultimately benefit my children, why is it so hard to do it? I mean, when we were little, we all used to love being "the boss". But now, I find it incredibly challenging and exhausting trying to discipline my children. I don't always know what to do, and I definitely don't always like doing it. So many questions of how, when, which parent, what method, etc. And the frustrating thing is, there isn't one black and white answer. I mean, I love it that God created us all as individuals with our own temperaments and imperfections, but everything we learn with Isabella, what works what doesn't, might be completely meaningless when it's time to rear Gideon. *Sigh*

But if there is one thing that I keep going back to, it's that perseverance produces character. And I believe this is true for both the parent and the child. Rob and I will never figure it all out, because we're not perfect. But, the pursuit of parenting in a way that resembles Jesus' heart for our children will bear fruit of character building for us while setting an example worth following for our children. 

I absolutely love it though that all our efforts can be centered around a message of love and grace. For each other, for our children, for ourselves. And I know that however difficult it may be now, raising young children in a way that exemplifies love and grace will mold their hearts into beauty in the future. Ahhhh. That makes it all worth it. :)

Here we go...

No seriously. I need this outlet. And I love to write. So why do I keep putting it off? Fear of routine. 

I don't want this, or anything in my life for that matter, to fall victim to routine. I want to feel. I fear being numb. I've been there. You know, that place where you withdraw from your own life to avoid the pain it can hold. However, I've discovered that when I shield myself from pain, I often sacrifice joy...true joy. So...I'm going to blog. Because I love it. I love the release of writing. The sense of accomplishment. The release of putting thoughts to "paper". I will not let it become routine, but I will hold myself true to the commitment. 

This blog will hold thoughts of relationships. That includes marriage, children, family, spiritual family, friends, etc. Following the sentiment found in the book The Shack, I have learned that life is about a little bit of time, and a whole lot of relationship. There is nothing off limits here. It will be messy, but hopefully, profound.

I am writing a book. It's a book on marriage and celebrating healing. This blog may also hold thoughts from that journey. 

Read on at your own risk, and know that I write in love. When love covers all, we err on the side of grace. I want to always err on the side of grace, because I believe, that is where true joy is found.