Successfully got up this morning and went to the gym. Ran 3.30 miles. AND I did it at 6am. Whew! I am sore and tired already at 9am, but I feel great because I accomplished something that was simply a matter of willpower.
I also emailed a ministry (a few days ago) that I want to work with for my book. I heard back already, and the woman that I would like to write with is excited and willing to help! That was a HUGE step for me as it makes this whole book ordeal real. I was nervous to put out there the first threads of commitment. Both the commitment to write the book and the commitment to be what I want to be as a wife and mother. My heart yearns for God's will to be perfected in my life, but I am afraid of failure. Like whoa.
I also "did it!" on a more personal heart issue. I really struggle with loving people for who they are sometimes. I project on them the ways in which I think they should change to become more "well rounded." It's not that I judge necessarily, I just try to "improve" people. I have learned though, that what I consider "improvement" isn't necessarily what is good and right for that person. I have really been pushing myself to better accept people for who they were created to be. And I feel like I have done really well with this lately in a couple key relationships in my life. I am so, so thankful and humbled by God's hand in allowing me to grow in this way.
Despite the achievements in my life though, I am still struggling with the failure and brokenness of relationship in terms of my parents and I. I am so, so wounded. There is no sense in denying that. However, I know that there is purpose in staying my ground. I know that breaking ties is the best decision for Rob, the kids and I right now. But my heart aches for reconciliation. I am torn. Conflicted. And jaded.
I am learning that sometimes even the most beautiful of days has a cloud or two. I need to enjoy the light while accepting the blemishes that I cannot change.
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